December 31, 2008

this whole "baby thing."

I've avoided this post for a while because I'm not sure how to articulate what I'm feeling and I'm not sure how to not offend anyone, either. I will say that upfront: My intent is not to offend anyone. Ok?

I'm just not sure about this whole "baby thing." In light of everyone in the world (ok, except maybe two or three of my friends), everyone I know is pregnant or has kids already. It comes as a shock to my system everytime I hear the wonderful news and this question rings in my head like a resounding gong each time, too: "What the hell is wrong with me?"

I talk a lot of junk, but at the core, I am not anywhere close to wanting kids. At all. I love the freedom I have with my husband. I love getting to know him more intimately as each year passes. I like having money to spend and places to go and things to do with no cares in the world. I love my life the way it is. I want for nothing.

So again...is something wrong with me?

I awoke to a very sad fact a day or two ago when emailing a good friend of mine: I have never, not once, in my life or childhood thought/day-dreamed about being a mother. Not once. In recent years the thought has occurred to me about having kids, naturally. But you know how some women dream of being a mommy since they were little, walking around with their dolleys, etc.? Yeah...that was never me.

I did, however, always day-dream about as husband. I've always, always, always known that I was meant to be a wife. That was always the biggest desire of my heart, the thing I was most passionate about. And I was lucky enough to get the amazing husband. Now what? I feel...and here it goes...that my life is complete already. Is that so terrible?

I think it's incredibly selfish to bring a child into this world if you are not desperately, unrelentingly, absolutely crazy about the idea of having your own child. (I am not referring to "accidents" here. I believe God has His hand in those, and that's another post altogether). I don't want to be selfish. I want to have a child when I can think of nothing else I'd rather do. I'm not there yet. And I have to wonder: Does that make me not woman enough? Am I not Godly enough? Am I not mature enough? And the zinger: Will I ever be?

I don't know if I'll ever wake up and the want for a child will be crystal clear. I just don't know that. I do know, however, that I am not going to have a baby for the sake of having a baby. I'm not going to do it just because society thinks I should. I'm not going to do it to "add" something to the dynamic I have with my husband. I am only going to do it when I know in my heart and soul and body and brain that I am meant to and that it is my time. And it's just not there right now. I don't know if it ever will be.

Ideally, and this is so silly, I'd like to get pregnant on "accident." I've been taking a birth control pill every night of my life for the last 8 years. And I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. I think it'd be easier to handle (for some reason) if I were to find out I was pregnant even on the pill -- because then it WOULD be God's design, it would be His timing and not my own. That way, I could consider it a gift, a Divine Sign that it was indeed, part of my life's plan. But...that's just crazy talk.

I am happy for my friends and family who have reached that part of their lives. I really am. And I love baby snuggles and coo's and baby feet and baby smell and all that. I just hate that news of someone else's little miracle makes me feel like a total failure.

December 30, 2008

a great 3rd anniversary...again.

As you know, Aaron and I have two anniversaries. From the day we "signed the papers" (June 24, 2005) and the day we got all gussied up and had the formal ceremony (December 30, 2005).

It's quite nice to have two anniversaries.

We went to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, Cantina Laredo, and then we went and saw Valkyrie. What a good night!!

Happy three years to us!

here's the new blog.

If only those old-timey shakey-shake machines really worked...presenting 500 a day for 30 days.

You fools keep me accountable. If I don't post, I expect e-lashings.

No clue what I'm talking about? Read post below.

a new blog, a new challenge...but definitely NOT a new year's resolution.

So, I'm thinking about conducting an experiment, a research study if you will, on the effects of burning 500 calories a day for 30 days straight. What will it do?

I think I'm going to find out.

Aaron got me this pretty amazing calorie-counting watch/sensor thingie and I can't wait to try it out. I've always wondered how effective my workouts really were. This watch-a-roo is going to tell me!

So...what happens to a 26-year-old, slightly overweight body when it burns 500 calories a day for 30 days straight (and doesn't drastically alter its eating patterns, by the way)?

We're gonna find out! This intensive study begins on January 1, 2009. I'll have a new blog posted sometime between now and then.

For now, I will enjoy my last few days of sloth. Ahhhhhhh....

December 28, 2008

such sad news!

The shoot with Ryan didn't go as planned and I was unable to successfully get the shots I wanted because...well...he just wasn't havin' it!

The poor thing was so upset whenever he wasn't in someone's arms, bless his heart. I didn't want 200 shots of a crying baby, so we nixed the shoot and are going to try again in a few weeks.

So sad!!

December 26, 2008

new photos cometh.

I am about to head out to take Mr. Ryan's newborn pictures! I can't wait!! They'll be posted on Backflip soon and very soon.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!

December 25, 2008

a merry christmas despite the sniffles.

So, it's almost 2 p.m. and Aaron and I just finished unwrapping our gifts. The food coma has sort of set in and I am fighting the urge to take a nap.

We woke up around 10 a.m. and I made pancakes, bacon, and scrambled eggs for breakfast. Yum Yum! Then we opened our gifts while enjoying the Josh Groban Noel CD playing in the background. I tell you what - when he and Brian McKnight sing "Angels We Have Heard on High", I cry like a baby. Every time!! Brian comes in with his velvet voice and sings, "Come to Bethlehem..." That's all it takes. Water works. Gushing.

Now Aaron is in the living room playing Fable II and I am looking up movie times. We want to see Marley & Me and Valkyrie tonight. We just might make a marathon out of it. I am NOT wearing mascara to Marley & Me, since I know it's going to make me bawl. I'm almost anxious about seeing this movie because it's going to be rough. I just know it. Dogs and babies, man. Nothing gets to me more!

Other than that, life is good. I am still sick as ever, but what can ya do?

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas! Hug your babies and husbands and remember what today is really about. What an amazing gift He gave.

December 24, 2008

why, whY, wHY, WHY???!?!

Of course fate would have it that I woke up on Christmas Eve with a terrible cold and other flu-like symptoms. I have a headache, I'm nauseated, my nose is running, my eyes are itchy, I'm coughy, and achey all over.

All I want to do is go get my groceries so I can make Spinach Dip, Bread Pudding, and something festive for dinner tomorrow night. All I wanna do is finish the mountain of laundry, set up my espresso machine (still haven't gotten to that), and work on some crafts/decor for our house. Oh, and did I mention that Aaron and I are supposed to go to his PawPaw's house tonight for dinner? It sounded great when we planned it. Now? Not so much.

WHY?!?!?!?!

December 23, 2008

things are coming together nicely.

Life is good.

I have figured out this whole "job" situation. I knew I didn't want a 9-5 doing something I hated, so I've been looking around for little things I can do here and there. And here's what I've come up with.
  • I am still freelance writing.
  • I am taking photos (which I LOVE more than anything in the world).
  • I am going to tutor a few hours a week at Sylvan starting in January.
  • And I am going to be "babysitting" three adorable baby boys whenever their mama needs me.
I love how all of this just sort of fell into place. The best things usually always do. This will keep me busy, they're things I love, and they all pay pretty well, considering I still have all the free time in the world.

Now to wrap presents, wash clothes, clean the house, and set up my new espresso machine!!

P.S. Congratulations to Sara! I can't wait to see little Benjamin!!!!

December 20, 2008

and so she graduated...

"The professors at UALR looked upon what she had made and saw that it was good. And thus, on December 18, 2008 declared, 'It is finished.'"

-- The book of Cassandra

It's finally over! I have my Master's of Arts in Journalism. Can I get a whoop whoop?

Here are some pictures of the week's festivities. The first are from the "graduation dinner" on Tuesday night. We were supposed to go to Capeo (had reservations and everything), but since the clouds all decided to fall out of the sky the night before, weather was horrible and the restaurant was closed. We quickly changed locations to Kan Pai. I had never been there before but it turns out that they have an excellent Philadelphia Roll. All was well, even though I was really looking forward to an Italian Margarita and some spaghetti carbonara. Ah well. My friends were there and that's all that mattered. That and Aaron gave me a wonderful toast over dinner and made me cry. I love him.

Me and my hubby extraordinairre.
Shannon, Kelly, and Chad
Austin, Shannon, and Janae
Our hibachi master, Bagi.
Rice mountain.
Lana, Al, and Shilo
The whole gang. I have super-hot friends.
The ceremony was great, too. I got to sit by my Journalism peeps -- all two of them -- and besides the off-color comments made by the PA goon sitting next to me every time a Middle Eastern name was called -- the ceremony went off without a hitch. Here's some pictures and a video at the end. I am sooooo glad it's over!!! So now I am officially Master Cassandra. You can all call me that, too.

I will say, though, that I was a bit jealous of the "wizards" in their PhD garb. I can't have someone be better than me. I'm thinking a PhD is in store for yours truly. Just not anytime soon.



Me and money bags. ;)
Mama and me. Does this gown make my butt look big? Ha!
Note the excitement in my mother-in-law's voice when they call my name. LOL.

video

December 19, 2008

December 16, 2008

picture tag.

The object of the picture tag is to:
1) Choose the 4th folder where you store your pictures on your computer
2) Select the 4th picture in the folder
3) Explain the picture
4) Tag 4 people to do the same
NO CHEATING! (cropping, editing, etc!)


This picture was taken at the Hines' wedding in April. Too bad nothing more interesting popped up, but I didn't want to lie!

I tag whoever wants to play! :)

December 15, 2008

camera detox.

I'm waiting for a call back from a potential "employer" and for 11:30 to roll around so I can pick up Kelly and get some lunch. Thought I'd unload my camera. I'm bored. Can ya tell?

Oh, before I forget: I went to the chiropractor this morning and everything is looking (and feeling) so much better that I don't have to go back for another month! Woohoo!!

Ok, picture time:

These were taken at the 50AS Christmas party. Good times.



Like the hair? I was channeling Kate Beckinsale in Pearl Harbor meets Betty Page. I loved it! Too bad the pictures don't do it justice. It was oh-so-retro and so much fun! Two-fifths of us are pregnant in the above picture...and no, I'm not one of them.

These were taken yesterday at the shooting range. I call this one "Don't Mess with Me, Sucka!"

And here's Aaron shooting his 45. This new hobby of ours is quite Mr. and Mrs. Smith, if you ask me.

Ok, so that wasn't that interesting after all. Is it lunch time yet?

December 11, 2008

ramblings.

I started the Couch to 5K running schedule. I've stuck to it this week, so far. I need to go run today and then I can check it off my list. Week One: Complete.

Aaron bought me this amazing pillow at Relax the Back. Ever since I've been sleeping with it my back has felt so much better! I think it's the chiro/pillow combo that has FINALLY got me feeling normal again. Yay for a good husband who bought a massive body pillow in the shape of a candy cane!

Aside from the running, I have been quite the dump lately. Aaron has been flying nights so we've been sleeping in until laaaaaaaate. Like, ridiculously late. Ah, well. Live it up, right kablot?

Speaking of kablot, I really liked the comment she left for me a few days ago. She's right. Why not enjoy it while I can? Getting a job would be nice, but I refuse - I repeat - REFUSE to take a job just for the sake of taking a job. I want something I enjoy that pays equal to or more than what teaching did. I think it's possible, people. Just maybe not here and maybe not now. Thank you, kablot, for your words of encouragement :)

I think part time is the way for me to go -- at least while we're in central AR. It's so hard to dive into a career not knowing when or if you'll be leaving soon. I rushed to get my Master's done this term because I thought we were moving in the summer. Now, we've been told we might not leave until 2010. There's always that asterisks -- maybe leaving until 2010. Not sure. It's a possibility. It's likely, but not official. How frustrating!!! I'd love to jump into a career (teaching at the college, writing for the paper, etc.) but I hate to start things and not finish them, especially something I am passionate about.

Has anyone had a really fun and enjoyable part time job? What was it? Do you think working at a bookstore or Starbucks would really suck after the first month or two?

Think about it and get back to me. ;)

December 9, 2008

9mms or 45's. you take your pick.

Either way, you're getting bullets.

Wow. That was lame.
  • I'm about to make some 1,000+ calorie mac 'n cheese and watch The Biggest Loser. Funny.
  • Backflip needs more clients. Desperately. And it's not even for money's sake. I just really like taking pictures of people :(
  • I am conflicted. To get a "real" job, or to not get a "real" job. Ugggggggggggh.
  • Should I have a baby now? Everyone else is doing it!
  • We are going to be in central AR until at least 2010. Yeah, just found that one out yesterday.
  • I'd really like to go to Spain or Germany. Or Texas. Because all three of them are so alike??
  • I need to read more of Twilight. Maybe I'll do that after Loser.
  • There's a job on the base that sounds super great. It's marketing and right up my alley. But it's full time and pays less than teaching. Again, uggggggggggh.
  • There's a university close by hiring journalism professors, too. I asked if they'd accept the fact that I only have a Master's and they said yes. That's stinking great and something to consider. I always wanted to be a professor, but I want to be a real one. Ya know, Dr. Webb. Not Mrs. She-Doesn't-Really-Have-A-PhD-So-I'm-Not-Taking-Her-Class-Seriously-Webb.
  • I graduate next week and that's awesome. I'll be honest. I can rock that gown and hood.
  • We're having a graduation dinner next week with our BFFs and that's even more awesome!
  • I need to wrap Christmas presents. Would it be bad if I watched Dark Knight first and then wrapped it?
  • I am seriously - not even funny - addicted to The Unit. Who knew?! Husband told me about it a few days ago and we rented the first season. ADDICTED!!!! I want to watch them right now, but Husband is flying tonight and that's just mean to watch without him.
  • Today's weather made me sleepy. My gosh.
  • Chad and Kelly are coming next week and that makes me SO HAPPY! Last year Kelly came during my Miss Fitness America phase and I made her run in 28 degree weather. Yeah, we're not doing that that this year. Sorry, Kel!
  • My new favorite hobby with Husband is going to the shooting range. Talk about empowering!
  • The 50AS Christmas party on Sunday was a hoot. I had to wrap a box with one hand tied behind my back and Husband chugged egg nog as part of the festivities. Barf.
  • OK, the show's about to be on. I guess that's all for now.

December 8, 2008

pictures are up on backflip!

I'm excited to say that Tyly & James' pictures are up!

Go take a look and please leave comments on backflip's site!

December 6, 2008

what's up with me?

I haven't blogged in a while because the only "interesting" thing I have to say is quite depressing and I've been avoiding it like the plague.

So whatever. Here you go. The results from my consult with the chiropractor:

(If this bores you, I understand).

Basically, there are 4 phases of spinal deterioration. Phase one is a healthy spine, 4 is the worst. Guess where I fall? In between phase 2 and 3. Seriously. I'm 26, people. That's ridiculous.

I got to see my X-rays and let me tell you, it was bad. I always knew I had a slight curvature in my spine, but actually seeing it for what it was shocked me. My lower back curves insanely to the right. My pelvic bones (hip bones) are uneven. One is higher than the other, meaning that one of my legs is longer than the other and my shoulders are also off-kilter, as well as my head. Nice. "Growths" have already started to develop within my pelvic bone region as a result of heavy wear and tear of the vertebra in my lower back. I am more susceptible to arthritis and osteoporosis than my peers (translation: I'll be hunched over at 40, while my husband won't be until he's 80). Not good news.

Can it be reversed? No. The only thing we can do is maintain the condition it is in right now. I can have surgery to make my back straight, but that is absolutely the last thing I want to do. It's quite depressing.

On another note, I had the most vivid dream last night that I had a baby boy! And he was oh-so-beautiful and perfect. Every little thing I know about the "labor process" was in this dream...the epidural, the afterbirth (gross, I know), the cord, my husband's face, etc. etc. I wonder what this dream could mean. I've heard that if you dream of babies, the baby in the dream actually represents yourself. Hmm...

So that's what's up with me. Exciting, I know.

December 3, 2008

tyly & james.

I am practically bursting at the seams in an effort not to post the slideshow on Backflip from their shoot! I have it ready for the most part, but I'm still not liking the quality of the pictures when they show up in this one slideshow I'm experimenting with. They just aren't as clear as I'd like them to be. They don't look like that in "real life," so I'm kind of stumped as to why they turn out kind of blurry in the montage. How frustrating!

I just couldn't help myself with this picture, though. This is probably one of my absolute faves from their entire shoot. I just love this!!! Aren't they so stinkin' cute?!

not perfect, but better.

I went to the chiropractor this morning and got some X-rays done. Sure enough, I have scoliosis. I kind of already knew I did, but now it is confirmed. My spine is crooked like a politician! (10 points if you can name the movie).

I got an adjustment and you should have heard my bones! Crack crack crack crack! It felt soooooo good! The one adjustment supplied some immediate relief, but things still aren't "normal." I'm not sure they ever will be.

Aaron wants me to get a back brace. Hehehe. I told him that was so Romy and Michelle. "You know, even though I had to wear that stupid back brace and you were kind of fat, we were still totally cutting edge."

I am going back to tomorrow to discuss my X-rays and work out a game plan for treatment, I suppose. I'm also going to try to get another adjustment. Merry Christmas to me! This is where all our money is going to go! Bah humbug!

On another note, I *tried* to do some shopping today - in pain - and I am totally stuck. What are you all getting your in-laws? How about your fathers? They're tough to buy for!!

December 2, 2008

uggggggh!!

Today was supposed to be productive and wonderful, but alas...the back pain has returned in all its glory.

This has been the perpetual "thorn in my side" for years now. My back hurts. All the time.

I was visiting a chiropractor while I was living in Corpus Christi and I believe it helped at the time. Well, that was over 3 years ago. The time has come!!

We've been avoiding a visit to the chiropractor for years because of the cost. We can afford it, sure. But it's just one of those purchases you don't really want to pay for. Our health insurance doesn't cover the cost, so we have to pay for my visits in cash. Can Obama help me, please? With or without his help, I've had enough! Let me describe to you, as best as I can, what I am feeling right now:

A sharp, throbbing pain surrounding my left hip bone. It starts in my lower back and moves around my hip, all the way down to my knee. I can't stand up straight because it feels like all the muscles in my lower back are too short and too tight for the job. It feels like a green blob is surrounding my left hip bone and is eating away at it. Like a festering disease. It quite literally feels like my hip bone is deteriorating. It comes in waves, but for the past month or so, these waves have lasted longer and longer. My left butt cheek is numb. I feel like I'm hunched over (because I am) without any room to stand up straight. Laying down on my back hurts because it places too much strain on my lower back (just about my butt). Standing hurts because I can't do it the right way. I can't lay on my left side because that's putting too much pressure and weight on that hip bone. It's a pulsing, throbbing, electric pain AND IT SUCKS!!!!

I'm a bit depressed right now because I had wanted to use today to go Christmas shopping and to finish decorating our house. I had also planned to cook chicken fajitas tonight, but I haven't been able to stand up for longer than about 2 minutes before having to sit down and fidget for a comfortable position, that usually only last a minute or two before I have to fidget some more.

I have an appointment with a chiropractor tomorrow. I hope and pray that she can offer me some relief.

This.is.a.nightmare.
 
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