May 26, 2011

"youth is wasted on the young." -- george bernard shaw

While driving back home from dropping off my daughter at Mother's Day Out, my heart became heavy.

Sometimes I get very sad when I think about events from my past. This usually happens after a night of dreaming dreams in which all those mistakes are remedied.

Last night, I had a very vivid dream where I was able to reconcile with people from years ago - people that I had hurt in profoundly deep ways, and who also hurt me (this group includes, but is not limited to: friends, acquaintances, co-workers, employers, teachers, etc.) This morning, I recalled that dream and got very sad, remembering it was just that: a dream. And that the past is still the past and real life makes it impossible to go back and change.

I know that these feelings of regret and guilt are fleeting and the wise thing to do is pray against them. And I will. And things will be fine again. And then they'll come back again. And the cycle will repeat itself. And that's okay.

I am surely not the most wise person I know. That's a no-brainer. But I do know that I have gained at least some wisdom over the years. To have had just a tad of that knowledge and experience and maturity back then would have prevented so many bad decisions, hurtful words, and broken hearts. I simply didn't have the tools then that I have now. It fills me with regret.

Today's Cassandra would have been amazing in the old Cassandra's shoes.

Today's me would have made a different path for myself than I did back then. That notion makes me so sad. But it is a notion I must reject because, quite simply, it is unhealthy and poison to my spirit to think about "what could have been." Note: I am not wishing away the life I have now. The way things have worked themselves out is nothing short of amazing. That's called grace, y'all. :)

I just wish that I could sit down with these people, share a cup of coffee, rehash the past, explain why I did the things I did, and then apologize. I wouldn't change what I have now. I just wish I could show them who I am now and where my heart was back then. Would they even recognize me?

In my dreams, things are fixed. A warm bear hug is exchanged and all is well. We then turn away from one another and re-enter the realm that has become our real lives, knowing that the wounds in our hearts have been healed. It's just so beautiful.

And then I wake up...and realize it was just a dream. And then I write blog posts like this.

And then I make some coffee, take a hot shower, pray against these feelings, and hope that somehow, someway there is an understanding in the spirit of these people that I would make things better if that opportunity was ever made available.

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait on Him." -- Lamentations 3:19-24

May 22, 2011

1/2 birthday.

I can't believe she's six months old already. It goes by way too fast. Seriously. I don't like it.

But I love her :)

Happy 1/2 birthday, little one!

May 17, 2011

May 16, 2011

g-i-jane...or something.

Groupon delighted me with an email a few days ago for a 5-week, $49 membership to Fitness Bootcamp.

Since I'm crazy and a glutton for punishment, I signed up.

The camp began today. I signed up for the 6am class because, once more, I'm a glutton for punishment and really, it's the only time I could work out with my husband's work schedule and the little one.

I went to bed pretty late last night (boo) and had a hard time falling asleep. Then, I woke up at 4am, nervous that I had overslept for the class (when I spoke to the instructor on the phone a few days ago, he informed me that if one doesn't show up for the class, he "sends the dogs out" to find us...I was scared).

I couldn't fall back asleep, so I just laid in bed until about 5:10am. I threw on my workout clothes that I had laid out the night before, grabbed my water bottle and Breakfast On The Go (love these things, by the way) and made the 30-minute drive down to the camp.

I was surprised at how many people were on the roads at 5:30 in ther morning. Other than military personnel, truckers, and medical personnel, who on earth needs to be at work that early?!

I arrived to the camp and there were TONS of people there. Groupon works, y'all.

We met in a room where our instructor (did you see him on the website? Intimidating!) informed us that today we would be performing a PT test, starting with a one-mile run. GASP!!!

It was grueling! I am not a runner! But I want to be one.

So...we ran. It was cold and windy outside and my lungs were on fire. I ran/jogged/walked and clocked in my one mile at an amazing 11:51. Terrible...but you gotta start somewhere, right?

Then, we had our push-up and sit-up test. How many can you do in one minute? I did 27 modified push-ups and 30 sit-ups. LAME.

Then, we had to do the wall sit and see how long we could last. My time? 1:16. LAME! I realized, though, that I was doing it wrong. I had my knees practically touching, thus placing WAY more weight on my quads than necessary. Everyone else had their legs set wider apart and they were able to last a lot longer. I'll remember that for next time!

So, I am about to head for bed and get up and do it all over again. I'm excited about this new adventure and I hope I see results. I don't expect to lose 20 pounds or anything, but if all I do is shave off that mile time by 2 minutes, I'll be happy. Plus, it's awesome getting your workout out of the way to early in the morning. I had the rest of my day to do what needed to be done, I wasn't stuck in a stinky gym, and I knew that I had already exercised. What a great feeling!

1 day down, 19 more to go. HOO-AH!

May 8, 2011

my first mother's day.

There are no words. I love them.

May 4, 2011

working on it.

When I have found the time, I am working on the transition from blogspot to wordpress. Some of you asked why I'm switching.

I mentioned in my last post that I was annoyed my the interface of blogspot. That's nerd talk. Translation: I hate how blogspot looks and am annoyed by how complicated it is to design, etc. That's one reason.

The other is for more privacy. I want to be able to password protect certain posts and allow the rest to be public. I don't like having two blogs - one public, one private. It's too much upkeep.

And speaking of upkeep, sometimes (ok, every day) I feel so bombarded by technology. Between Facebook, this blog, Twitter, Angry Birds, Words with Friends, the iPhone, the iPad, the iMac, and email, I don't have time left in the day to even read blogs for pleasure anymore. I'm tired of that. I'm taking control of my "tech life" and making my new blog more streamlined, more focused. Having a "personal blog" about my daily life is just too daunting right now. Having an objective to my writing will provide me with much more motivation instead of blabbering on and on about how Vivian ate a NumNum for the first time and got it into her eye instead of her mouth.

All this to say I am working on a new blog, with a new concept. It's going to be a great outlet for me, if I am able to do what I vision.

So, stay tuned!
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