Sometimes I get very sad when I think about events from my past. This usually happens after a night of dreaming dreams in which all those mistakes are remedied.
Last night, I had a very vivid dream where I was able to reconcile with people from years ago - people that I had hurt in profoundly deep ways, and who also hurt me (this group includes, but is not limited to: friends, acquaintances, co-workers, employers, teachers, etc.) This morning, I recalled that dream and got very sad, remembering it was just that: a dream. And that the past is still the past and real life makes it impossible to go back and change.
I know that these feelings of regret and guilt are fleeting and the wise thing to do is pray against them. And I will. And things will be fine again. And then they'll come back again. And the cycle will repeat itself. And that's okay.
I am surely not the most wise person I know. That's a no-brainer. But I do know that I have gained at least some wisdom over the years. To have had just a tad of that knowledge and experience and maturity back then would have prevented so many bad decisions, hurtful words, and broken hearts. I simply didn't have the tools then that I have now. It fills me with regret.
Today's Cassandra would have been amazing in the old Cassandra's shoes.
Today's me would have made a different path for myself than I did back then. That notion makes me so sad. But it is a notion I must reject because, quite simply, it is unhealthy and poison to my spirit to think about "what could have been." Note: I am not wishing away the life I have now. The way things have worked themselves out is nothing short of amazing. That's called grace, y'all. :)
I just wish that I could sit down with these people, share a cup of coffee, rehash the past, explain why I did the things I did, and then apologize. I wouldn't change what I have now. I just wish I could show them who I am now and where my heart was back then. Would they even recognize me?
In my dreams, things are fixed. A warm bear hug is exchanged and all is well. We then turn away from one another and re-enter the realm that has become our real lives, knowing that the wounds in our hearts have been healed. It's just so beautiful.
And then I wake up...and realize it was just a dream. And then I write blog posts like this.
And then I make some coffee, take a hot shower, pray against these feelings, and hope that somehow, someway there is an understanding in the spirit of these people that I would make things better if that opportunity was ever made available.
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait on Him." -- Lamentations 3:19-24
2 backtalks:
This is completely normal, just to let you know. I have some whacked out dreams quite often & mine end the same way a lot of times...with that sweet ending that you wish was real. I think that we have those dreams to remind us that if we saw that person today, they would feel as though things were changed, smiles and well-wishes would be exchanged, & all hatchets are naturally buried. I usually Facebook stalk those people and see that their lives turned brighter just like ours did and I'm genuinely happy for them as I X out of their page. That's me anyways, so you're not alone. :)
"In my dreams, things are fixed. A warm bear hug is exchanged and all is well." I think this scenario is more likely than you probably think to be what WOULD happen. I know I don't have a clue what you're talking about, but if these people are worth caring about what they think then surely they are the type of people that can forgive. I, just like anyone else, have been hurt some in the past but if anyone came up to me years later and tried to make things right, I'd have no problem accepting it =).
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