July 29, 2011

July 25, 2011

day one of daycare.

I don't really want to write about the details of my kid's daycare, the staff, the toys, etc. Because I'm tired and that's boring.

I just want to write something out so I don't forget the moment.

I wasn't emotional when I left Vivian this morning. I had her on my mind all day, of course, but I wasn't sad or scared that something would happen to her. I am thankful we started a Mother's Day Out program when she was 3 months old to help me with that anxiety. I wanted her to have a good day and to be happy when I picked her up. I wanted her to be clean, rested, and have a full belly. I dealt with a little guilt here and there, the little devil on my back making agreements with me about leaving her, blah blah blah. But I didn't cry...

Until I picked her up.

I pulled into the parking lot around 4:30pm. Moms and Dads were getting out of their vehicles everywhere I looked. Most of them were wearing military uniforms. One woman in her blues because it's Monday, one Daddy in his BDUs. One mama pulling on her flight cap because rules regulate that she wears it when she's outdoors. It hit me then that we parents, all of us, no matter who you are, are all doing the best we can. It matters not if your child is in daycare, if he stays home with you all day, if she has a nanny, if she stays with family, if he goes to work with you, if she goes to daycare part-time. It doesn't matter because we all love our children. And you know what? They'll all be okay.

A mama and her son were walking out of the child care center while I was walking in. He was holding her hand. They were silent until he said, "I had a fun day at school today, Mommy!" She smiled at him and said, "I'm so glad!" It was reassuring!

It just made me happy to see that we all live different lifestyles. And that's OKAY. The guilt I wrestle with for being gone from my child for eight hours a day is nothing compared to how a military mama must feel when she gets orders announcing that she'll be deploying to Afghanistan for 6 months.

All of us are just doing the best we can. And no one has the right to tell us, or make us feel, any different.

July 19, 2011

going back to work.

I mentioned several weeks ago that I had a job interview the following day.


Since then, I have been doing paperwork and getting things in line for this new chapter in my life. Yes, I want to work. No, I don't have to work.

*Cue my defending wanting to work while having a child*

I like to work. I like to make money. I love my child. I love my child more than I love money. BUT, this staying home everyday is driving me crazy. SHE is not driving me crazy; staying HOME is driving me crazy. I tried working part-time, but all I could find is weekend work. I did that for about 4 months (did I even tell you about that gig?), but that soon ran its course. The weekends are the ONLY time I see my husband and it just wasn't worth it. Moving on, the job is in marketing, a field that I have been wanting to break into for quite some time. The job is also NOT 45 minutes away from home (i.e. there is no commute). The job is five minutes away from the best day care in our area. The job is too perfect to pass up.

I know it will be hard, especially at first. But I think once we get in our groove, things will work out fine. I am worried about how I'm going to be able to do it all, though. I'll not only be a working mom, but I'll be a working mom who is also a military spouse. Pretty much the hardest combo, ever. Ok, being a single mom is probably much harder, for sure. But with the program that Husband is currently involved in, I sort of feel like a single mom already :( He hasn't seen our kid in two days. He gets home right as I'm putting her in her crib (not by choice, of course). I know, waaa waa, but it sucks. Single moms, you have my utmost respect. Wow, that was a tangent!

Working moms: When the heck do you fit in time to exercise?! I thought about waking up super early to get it out of the way, but I just don't think I'll have time. I take forever to get ready, especially when I'm trying to look nice, so I think the morning is out. I won't have enough time on my lunch break, either...so I'm slowly coming to the realization that I might have to do my workouts in the (gasp!) evening! The evenings are already kind of crazy what with dinner, dishes, bath, bedtime, playtime, etc. How do you supermoms do it?! Perhaps if I do it as soon as I walk in the door? But that cutie patootie face is so tempting. It's amazing how much time I lose while hanging out with her. She is a BIG distraction - in the best kind of way, of course.

So, that's me. Going back to work. Thoughts totally scattered. Feeling a little, no, a LOT, overwhelmed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

July 7, 2011

normal day.

I stumbled upon a blog while stalking strangers on Facebook doing some research on the Tracy Anderson method.

This inspires me.

And is now my new life's motto.

July 5, 2011

caylee marie.

I watched with bated breath when the judge announced that the clerk would soon be reading the verdict in the Casey Anthony murder trial. I could tell by the way he thumbed through the papers that the verdict would be

Not guilty.

I had a feeling it would happen this way, but I was hoping with every fiber of my being that it wouldn't.

I respect the law incredibly. I am even seriously considering going to law school one day. My favorite courses in grad school were the media law seminars. I dig the judicial system. So, I understand that she was found not guilty based on the lack of evidence. There was no proof beyond any doubt that she did, in fact, murder her daughter. The verdict makes sense, legally.

But we all know she did it.

Tonight, there is an event circulating around Facebook asking folks to turn on their porch lights at 9pm tonight in remembrance of Caylee Anthony. I will be joining in on this. I think it's a lovely gesture. The event indicates that the lights will be on for Caylee to see and know that her little life mattered. This whole thing just makes me so depressed.

I mourn for the little girl who's life was stolen from her. I mourn for women who so desperately yearn to be mothers, but who, for whatever reason, can't be, yet this woman was blessed with a perfectly healthy child and disposed of her like she was trash.

My heart breaks for every child out there who has no voice.

I am thankful, though, that this world is not my home and that this world is not all I have to look forward to.

Sweet girl, your little life did matter. And in your tragic death and story, you bring us all back to the Giver of all good things. We take comfort in knowing that you forever live in glory, free from all harm and resting peacefully in Jesus's arms.

July 4, 2011

i'm 29 and america is...old (and other things).

Happy 4th of July, everyone!

Today is my 29th birthday and it's been wonderful! Our whole weekend has been quite a whirlwind, so we took is easy today, which was much needed and appreciated.

We went to a BBQ at a friend's house on Saturday night and then a big party last night, where the host spent $1200 on fireworks. Not joking. We were kind of wiped out today. We did a little shopping, had a bite to eat for lunch, went to Cold Stone to indulge a little, and now we're home. Baby is asleep and pizza is on its way. Healthy? No. But hey, it's my birthday.

Our biggest adventure starts tomorrow, when Husband leaves for the Weapon's Instructor Course. I mentioned it in an ealier post, but it is an intense course that will make him a "master" of his aircraft, so to speak. It will have him bouncing back and forth between here and Las Vegas for the next 6 months or so. It will be very trying at times, but I'm not scared. I prefer back and forth over a 6-month deployment any day. So, these next 6 months should be interesting...to say the least.

I am still waiting to hear back from the job interview I had a few weeks ago. I know they called my references and they have been asking for some more background info...which I am taking as a good sign. I'll go into further detail about it once I know I either have it or the position has been filled by someone who is not me. Ha!

Husband bought me the Tracy Anderson Metamorphosis Method DVDs for a birthday gift. Yes, I asked for this gift. No, he does not think I'm fat and gross and need workout DVDs...just for the record :) I am eager to start the healthy eating and workouts once he leaves tomorrow, but I need a more structured plan for the healthy eating (which I don't have yet) so I am trying to compile a grocery list and will get all the food in the next couple of days. And THEN I will start the DVDs and the healthy eating. I want to be smoking hot for his WIC graduation in December. And these last 10 preggo pounds are just NOT moving, so without him here, I'll be able to kick the healthy eating into high gear. (It's a lot easier to eat healthy when you don't have to cook dinners for two. I can simply eat a Lean Cuisine for dinner and be happy. Husband? Not so much).

That's about it for now! Thanks for being patient with my sporadic posts these days. I know this blog is kind of lame...boo.
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